My mom's brother Mike moved to California in search of fame and fortune. He did end up in one episode of Hill Street Blues and even had a few lines, but that's about it as far as fame goes. His wife Tracey is a model/photographer. That's a pretty good gig, actually. You can never be out of a job because you can always just take pictures of yourself. I think she said that in those ads for Quarker State with Leah Remini, when they cut to a close up of hands holding the bottle, those are her hands. That kind of makes me wonder just how bad do Leah Remini's hands look that they have to replace them with the hands of a woman in her forties? Does she have webbed fingers or something? Anyway, Tracey was a contestant on Hollywood Squares a few years ago. She called to let us know what day it would be on, and I'm pretty sure we taped it, although it's probably been taped over by an episode of Passions by now.
I think she was a little nervous at first. She agreed with every celebrity, no matter how far-fetched their answer was. I remember practically yelling at the TV, "Disagree! Disagree! Gilbert Gottfried doesn't know anything about quantum physics!" It cost her the first round, but she came back strong and won the second. She even got the "secret square" and won a trip to Hawaii. Or Paris. I don't know, it was someplace I've never been. With the score tied, they moved on to the third round. My knowledge of this show dates back to the John Davidson days, and in all that time I can count on one hand the number of times that the third round ended with someone getting tic-tac-toe, or whatever they called it on that show. It usually ended with a buzzer, and whoever had the most squares would be the winner. So time was of the essence. Tracey and Mr. X were neck and neck, taking turns with the lead, until Tracey picked David Alan Grier. The crowd cheered and he started pandering to them, shouting, "Heeeey! Hoooo! Heeey! Hoooo!" And then he started rhythmically clapping. For God's sake, man, just let Tom Bergeron ask you the question! Plus you know he has to get in his requisite joke answer before giving the real one, and that's going to take some time. Things didn't look good. After he ate up the clock a bit longer, he finally got to the question. But it was too late. The buzzer rang, and Mr. X had one more square on the board than her. David Alan Grier's comic shenanigans cost her the game. Damn you, David Alan Grier! Damn you!!
So anyway, that's the story of how David Alan Grier screwed my aunt.
